IR# 073

Rewind to 2008… I was sitting in my room in Bangalore and binge watching South Park on my laptop. I was recently introduced to the series by my classmate Ashwin Kochar and couldn’t get enough of it. I had laughed myself to the eighth season and reached the episode entitled “Douche vs. Turd”.

Being not so familiar with modern American slang, I happened to look up both words in the dictionary. I was aware that both words were being used in a contemptuous manner but was not entirely sure of the actual meaning. The Oxford dictionary defines them as

DOUCHE – A device for washing out the vagina.

TURD – A lump of excrement.

Now with both meanings in place I had to figure out the implied meaning in South Parks traditional, sadistic, sarcastic, in-your-face, and crass humor.

To those who have no clue what South Park is, it is an animated adult TV series that take you through the lives of four irreverent 4th graders (Stan Marsh, Kyle Brofloski, Eric Cartman and Kenny McCormick) in the fictional town of South Park, Colorado, USA. If you are expecting cute innocent humour from these kids, you are in for a rude shock.

Now in the episode “Douche vs. Turd”, the students of South Park elementary have to elect a school mascot and as a joke, the candidates “Giant Douche” and “Turd Sandwich” are nominated by the students. What goes on then is relentless campaigning and justification on why a Giant Douche is better that a Turd Sandwich and vice versa.

The American Presidential nominees this year around are nothing more than a personification of the South Park episode aired in 2004.

On one hand you have an inept, lying, paper pushing, compromiser of national security whose main pitch is that she is a woman – former First Lady and Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. On the other hand you have a racist, lying, obnoxious, womanizing bigot – Donald Trump.

Imagine if we Indians had to choose between Mayawati and Raj Thackeray for Prime Minister….. Gives me the creeps already!!

I am not an American citizen nor do I need to comment on the politics of a different nation, but the outcome of this election could have serious implications on international politics in general.

All American shows have taken a strong stance against Donald Trump with John Oliver and Trevor Noah going completely ape-sh*t on the guy. Ironically enough, one of them is British and the other South African.

I always used to joke that it would actually be fun to see Donald Trump as president – He would drive USA to the dumps and the world would actually be better for it. Even when he announced himself as a candidate I was laughing. When he got officially nominated, I figured that the American people were secretly in on some prank they were playing on the world. Now… I kinda feel they are actually serious.

Hillary Clinton was not my choice either. With every passing day, there are more and more reports of her callousness coming out from her time as Secretary of State. Add to that the dubious fund transfers to the Clinton Foundation, and you have all the makings of another scandal just waiting to blow up in your face once she is elected president.

I wonder how the most sane, clear headed candidate of the lot, Bernie Sanders, managed to miss out. By far, he was the least harmful of the lot. He even looked like your typical grumpy grandfather whom you couldn’t help but love.

The Americans have off late been extremely inept and choosing their leader, just look at their recent track record. They elected –

A womanizing liar – Bill Clinton

A corrupt imbecile – Richard Nixon

A flashy playboy – John F Kennedy

A warmongering businessman – George H W Bush (Sr.)

And of course…

A bumbling buffoon – George W Bush (Jr.)

And now the whole country is ready to vote in someone who can easily live up to these standards. Clearly the Americans love to maintain tradition.

Listen Americans, I am not going to tell you who to elect as your representative or how you should probably stop calling yourself world leaders… But I will leave you with two things to consider.

1. Choosing the lesser of the two evils might be one way to decide when you are confused between a neck tattoo and a tongue piercing but is not how you elect a Head of State.
2.  If you would like to uphold this tradition, we would be very happy to send you Rahul Gandhi, Aravind Kejriwal, Lalu Prasad Yadav, Jayalalitha, Mayawati, Mohan Bhagwat or your selection from a plethora of incompetent turds and douches we have with us. We have plenty of them but have no intention of making them Head of State.

So until November… All the best choosing between a Giant Douche and a Turd Sandwich my American friends.

 

P.S. Do watch South Park Season 08 Episode 08 – Douche and Turd.